and so it is.

holy shit!

I am so fucking happy.

when I have my pug:




also: god bless bloody vagina.

I wish I were better at people.

yes please.

fall is here. today was flawless. I spent it in an office while a parade celebrating summer's end passed only a block away. I took my lunch at a nearby cafe and caught the tail end of it.

I miss everyone today. especially harland. fall was always our season.

I saw drew barrymore on market.

me: how was your weekend?
me: wasn't it beautiful?!
me: I didn't know it could get that warm here.

him: Ren, you have a naive innocence about you that I so seldom see these days.

me: well..
me: it was really nice.

Arab-American Psycologist, Wafa Sultan on Al Jazeera TV.

A perfect view of the giants stadium fireworks from my livingroom window.

I <3 baseball season.

I sleep with my window wide open and when I woke up this morning there was a humming bird hovering over my bed. As soon as I shifted a bit he flew back outside where there were two other ones hanging out in the tree outside my window. I think he was looking out for me because I totally slept through my alarm. I would rather wake up to little turbo powered birds over my head any day.

I think I know what my next tattoo is going to be. I'd like to get a small illustration of a pigeon somewhere, maybe on my shoulder. I've had a strange fascination with these birds for as long as I can remember. I know most people associate them with urban filth, but I think they're lovely. I was thinking about all the places I plan to live someday, and the one thing these cities have in common are their pigeons.

Did you know:

• Like humans, pigeons can see color, but they also can see ultraviolet light, that's why pigeons are sometimes used in human search-and-rescue missions because of their exceptional vision.


• Pigeons can hear sounds at much lower frequencies than humans can, such as wind blowing across buildings and mountains, distant thunderstorms and even far-away volcanoes. Sensitive hearing may explain why pigeons sometimes fly away for no apparent reason.


• Pigeons can fly up to 40 or 50 miles per hour and may fly as far as 600 miles a day. They seem to be able to detect the Earth’s magnetic fields. This magnetic sensitivity, along with the ability to tell direction by sun, seems to help pigeons find their way home.


• Pigeons are monogamous, pairs often will breed in consecutive seasons for as long as both birds live.

So I was bored and took an IQ test and I did a little research and according to this article, I'm brilliant and brighter than 98% of the world and I should share my gift and contribute to society as a surgeon, lawyer or an engineer of the civil or mechanical sort. However, according to this article, I'm merely an intellectual, or "highly gifted." At any rate, I'm pretty fancy. I know the whole IQ thing is a moot point, but you'd understand where I was coming from if you were a genius like me.

so, I've been abstinent for oh, about a month now. how do I do it? will power and christ love.
and I masturbate.





constantly.

there is a void, in my life, because I don't have one of these.

Today I abruptly came to the realization that I've reached the age where I need to make an effort to spot an occupied ring finger before engaging in further conversation and subsequent flirtation with men. this realization hit with the same gravity I imagine spotting my first grey hair might. granted, I'm barely twenty but I accepted long ago that boys my age want nothing to do with me nor I with them, so naturally my attraction will be toward men of the marrying age. with this fate comes certain risk because becoming involved with a man in his mid twenties-early thirties means he's more future oriented; i.e.: family, stability. where I may be on par with my partner both intellectually and sexually (and the other -llys that fall in between) I still lack that settling capacity that can only come with age. so my plight lies in that by the time I'm of the settling age and mentality, my former beaus will have been married with children for some time, leaving me in the dating pool with my coeval peers.

I must also wonder if I'm even the marrying type. I suppose the first step would be to establish whether or not I'm even capable of a monogamous relationship. it's not the fidelity that's beyond me, it's finding someone I respect enough to remain faithful to. again, I must keep in mind that I am only twenty so of course blind devotion cannot be expected, but I can't help but think that if it's even possible, I might have a grasp on the concept by now. even children understand that while you can fancy several people simultaneously, when you make that conscious, mutual decision to commit to someone, the lines are drawn. there it is, in black and white. it's okay to play tetherball with joey, but if you hold his hand, ben will get sad. it's just. that. simple. my problem is that I see everything in greyscale. I don't break rules, I bend them. and yet, strangely, when I'm faced with the infidelity of others, whether they're friends or complete strangers, I'm overwhelmed with indignation. just last month my housemate began an affair with a man who was in a live-in relationship with his girlfriend of five years. this was very upsetting, and I could not comprehend how either of them could allow this to happen. and yet, three weeks ago, I slept with a man who I knew to be in a serious relationship. where does this double standard come from? it couldn't possibly be the have my cake and eat it too complex alone, there must be something else there. there has to be.

I'm wondering if my predicament can be categorized into one of two generally textbook scenarios. my first theory is that lovers stray because they don't want to miss out on anything. life is so short and there is so much out there, it's silly to limit yourself to one partner. and more importantly, it's unnatural to our very marrow. love is timeless, sure, but monogamy is a relatively new idea. it's human nature to essentially 'collect' these carnal experiences, and submit to society's moral agenda is selling oneself short. like Tomas' motive in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, it's more than satisfying one's lust.

So it was a desire not for pleasure (the pleasure came as an extra, a bonus) but for possession of the world that sent him in pursuit of women.

The opposing argument is that lovers stray out of fear. 'you can't hurt me if I hurt you first.' it's kind of romantic, really. one person cares about the other so vehemently that they're utterly terrified of the potential pain their lover's leaving would cause. so to prevent, or at least lessen this blow, they take measures to depreciate the affair. that way, when it ends, the one is able to cope; is comforted in knowing that it was never that serious because it was never entirely exclusive. this strategy is very similar to my modus operandi, the easiest way to move on is to deny the feelings were ever there in the first place. so where do I fall? I think I relate equally to both. again, with the greyscale.

Try as I might to deny it, I do believe in conventional love and I'd like nothing more than to be consumed by its glorious torment, to finally commiserate with the plagued characters in the books I read and the movies I watch, and I'm confident that someday I'll come close. I suppose I'm just concerned by the fact that it hasn't happened yet, and that I can't even picture myself in that situation. is it a matter of emotional maturity? perhaps I'm only fooling myself in thinking that I've the perspective of a woman, when I'm little more than an impetuous girl.

wait.






no. no I'm not.

ok.






I'm ready to be a girlfriend.